Today I have the pleasure of hosting my favorite IPC with his second Marvelous Mondays post. You can check his first review (of Elektra), here. Pappy, thanks so much for taking part, but after thorough review of secretary’s behavior, firing can not happen due to a number of reasons BUT: #pappyComeBack
When Natasha’s agents first called my people to see if I would be interested in meeting her to do a piece about the movie Man-Thing, I was hesitant. Not because I was afraid of Natasha (she’s actually very sweet) (and short) but because I didn’t want her agency to have to shell out all of that money to fly me over there and then I turn into a pumpkin because I don’t know anything about the movie or the character. I didn’t ever really read those when I was a kid because he didn’t appeal to me but I do remember him looking like this:
I remember not caring about his Environmentalist Hippie bullshit subtext and having someone teach me a lesson about preserving the ecology and being green and toxic shit and all of that, but I did buy the first one – as a collector – and read the first two and soon he was travelling to other dimensions and stuff that I didn’t care about so I quit reading:
Anyway, I did the usual thing and prophesied my future by reading tea leaves and chicken bones and made the decision to commit to the travel and agreed. While I was recuperating from the rounds of VERY painful inoculations (vomiting, aches, constant pooping – you know) I gave this a watch and have to admit that it’s really pretty fucking terrible and I hated almost every second of it. You know – I’m not going to rag on the acting but from the opening scene, before I went and looked it up, I could immediately tell these were foreign people doing deep south American accents à and they were doing them very badly. Giving it a look…. yep:
Have you ever been to the deep south of America? Well – I have and some of those assholes really are as hard to understand as Boomhauer from King of the Hill. But I pressed on because I had signed a contract and kept listening to these people bruise and destroy the English language and, aside from general malaise and a lingering side effect from my shots, I did not enjoy any of it whatsoever and it made for a miserable companion on my 20 hour flight to South Africa. Eventually the movie got to the part where it was going to do its Money Shot all over the place and show us the Man-Thing and this is what we got:
What the fuck? That’s worse than what we got in Pumpkinhead 3 and 4. Really? I just sat through an hour of this:
For that? No thanks, you Australian bastards. UGH. And, for real, this is how this shit went. Some Australian guy is being pontooned down a river by a toothless hillbilly. “Why’s you heah??” Asks the toothless dude. “To get away from it all” says the city slicker. Psych, turns out he’s the new sheriff. K. In his first minutes on the job he gets a call and has to go shut down a protest at the local power plant. When he gets there, he gets on his loudspeaker and tells everyone to go home or he’ll have to issue some arrests and the leader of the group – a blond with a terrible attempt at an American accent – says no and kicks him in his balls. Somehow – about thirty minutes later they are in:
And are kissing and crying all over the place and hunting down a psychotic American Indian in the swamps, trying to avoid the gigantic Man-Thing. This movie was absolutely miserable and Marvel should be ashamed of itself for having been a part of this but the most important thing to take out of this adventure of mine was that when I got to Natasha’s office, her receptionist:
Was quick to point out this particular sign on the wall:
I thought that was pretty weird since that’s not typical office behavior here in the States, but I signed in anyway – as a guest – and sat down in the reception area. It seemed like it had been a few hours that I sat there playing Kingdom Rush: Origins on my iPad before her personal Admin:
Emerged from her office and politely told me that Natasha was “Occupied for the rest of the week”:
And that I should “return to where I came from”. I wasn’t hurt or offended so much as I was aggravated that I had to get back on a fucking airplane for another twenty hours so, after the secretary had excused herself, I turned to the receptionist and:
And there you have it!! The world’s FIRST EVER review of Man-Thing that devolves into fart lighting!! Seen right here on Life of this City Girl!
Thanks dear Pappy!!
PS: If you are still interested in reviewing something for this blogathon, see the list here and drop me a line. (If you’ve already chosen one and it isn’t marked with a strikethrough on the list, let me know to do my job and update the list!)