Movie Review: Valerian and the city of a thousand planets (2017)



Plot: A dark force threatens Alpha, a vast metropolis and home to species from a thousand planets. Special operatives Valerian and Laureline must race to identify the marauding menace and safeguard not just Alpha, but the future of the universe.

Couple of things about this film:

1) What the actual f? Valerian and the terribly long name was super long, extremely boring and amazingly pompous.

2) Who authorized the amazingly stupid and sexist decision to remove Laureline’s name from the movie title? Cara Delevigne is the only thing that actually works in this stupid, time wasting, teeth gnashing mishap.

3) Terrible, terrible dialogue.

4) Don’t watch this

5) As much as I like the guy, Dane DeHaan is miscast. He works in awkward and nerdy roles. This intergalactic officer with cheesy pickup lines laced with some sexual harassment made him look even more uncomfortable than he usually looks.


6) Delevigne is the best thing about this film. Laureline clearly faces the same issues women face in their place of employment – sexual harassment, being overlooked for their male colleagues and always being subtly shut down when they are clearly a leader in their field.

7) The stunning visuals and CGI of the film is the only thing that keeps me from rating this movie a 0. It looks particularly good, and the fact that this is an independent production and managed to look like it did deserve a few points.


8) The Pearl race was gorgeous, and their little converter was super damn cute. Too bad you can’t save the film with cute animals.

I actually don’t give enough fucks about this shitty piece of drawn out shit to write out full sentences, hence the bullet points above. You can steer well clear – this is exactly how I felt about Fantastic Beasts – it’s pretty but it doesn’t have a point. That said, at least Fantastic Beasts is better and has SOME POINTS.

Rating: 4.5/10

3 thoughts on “Movie Review: Valerian and the city of a thousand planets (2017)

  1. Ahahahaha Oh my God!!! I am French and the movie is doing great here, whereas I hear only bad reviews from the US. I must say I had a wonderful time and loved DeHann in this role. This is pure entertainment and it’s doing its job well if you ask me – but not if I ask you, so there you go! Different cultural sensitivities maybe? I didn’t feel the 2.17hrs pass and laughed a lot.
    The movie is based on a well-known French comic that pin points exactly what bothered you: female colleague more qualified but overlooked at the benefice of her male partner.
    Laureline was only a temporary character in the comic at first, but the audience loved her so much that she became a recurring one and finally had as much importance as Valerian in the comic strip. Hence after a few decades, they finally changed the name of the comic to Valerian and Laureline.
    I have to say that I wasn’t expecting anything great from Cara Delevingne, and she surprised me. The director said he kind of tortured her to make her cry so that she could reach that inner place where emotions are raw. Well I don’t agree with the method, but she was a much better actress than I expected and she was good!
    The aesthetics are fantastic and so beautiful. Agree with you on the Pearls. So graceful.
    Have you seen The Fifth Element by the same director? I loved it when it was released and I must confess that I went to see Valerian just because I felt nostalgic of that movie!

  2. Hmmm… I am so sorry to see you didn’t like this more. I will have to have a look see into it at some stage anyway, because you KNOW me and my love for DeHaan.

  3. Pingback: Watched, Read, Loved: June and July 2017 – Life of this city girl

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