Movie Review: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2010)


Plot: Master sorcerer Balthazar Blake must find and train Merlin’s descendant to defeat dark sorceress Morgana le Fey.

Rating: 5.5/10

Looking at Nicholas Cage’s face was the most entertaining thing I did a few nights ago. Can we just take a moment to reflect how sad that is? I really do need to stop my little reclusive habits and get out of the house once in a while. Or not. Blankets are soft and people are stupid, right? Okay, yeah.

I saw the Sorcerer’s Apprentice ages ago, before I was branded the movie snob in the family. Did blogging do this to me? Maybe. Is Zoë maybe responsible – for showing me both Godfathers and many other excellent films? It is possible. I don’t remember a lot of the time when I watched it, but it was enough to have me buy the DVD when I saw it on special a few years ago. It has been left untouched for a while, and I picked it up the other night thinking that wild fun was ahead. (I really am starting to sound damn old)

Needless to say, this movie was quite crappy. Not really as bad as A Million Ways To Die in the West (I’m reviewed that for Shitfest yesterday, so go take a look at Eric’s site – I think it might be up a bit later in the day, if Sugar Pappy hasn’t thrown it into his Recycling bin – CRY CRY CRY)


The best thing about the movie is Nicholas Cage. Whether he tries to or not, the man is endlessly amusing. Although not really a BAD actor, he has a way of looking completely unbelievable in most movies. He plays, Balthazar, a Morganian who has to protect something or save someone, I’m not really sure. He naturally lost the love of his life – how else can he possibly be a mysterious hero if that has not happened?! So Balthazar takes interest when a young boy, named Dave – not creepy at all, wanders into his shop because he followed a piece of paper or something. Dave (at this stage played by Jake Cherry) – witness a duel between Balthazar and Hovarth after he letsHovarth out of a container or something, and when he tries to warn his classmates, he suffers embarrassment because B and H have disappeared somehow and it look like Dave wet his pants.

Got that? Okay. Let’s move on to the next segment – approximately 10 years later, Dave (now played by Jay Baruchel) has grown into a genius Nerd and has mostly gotten over the wet pants incident. Mostly. He stumbles into Becky (Teresa Palmer), his childhood crush who witnessed his wet pants incident. She’s way cool now, and Dave and Becky starts hanging again.


Balthazar once again enters the show when he and Hovarth escape the container they were held in, and a massive epic battle begins. Will Dave and Becky end up together? Can they somehow save the Morganians when they are crippled by ineptitude? Why does Hovarth dislike Balthazar so much?

Now that we all have a basic outline of that preposterous story, can I just say WHAT THE FUCK? The story has way too many plot lines it wanted to develop – I haven’t even started on the prologue or the whole Balthazar and his love interest thing. You need a pretty fine director and writer to pull this kind of story of, and then you need to drop the cheese and probably invest in some good actors as well.


As mentioned above, Nic Cage is not such a bad actor, he’s just a highly amusing one. I haven’t yet posted Kick-Ass, but he was such fun in there. Isn’t he with Meg Ryan in City of Angels? – man, I wept buckets over that shit. If the name Jay Baruchel sounds familiar – you are quite right. He is our favorite dragon rider in the How to Train your Dragon franchise. As an actor on screen, it kind of creeps me out that his voice is so squeaky when connected to an actual male. He’s also not really talented as an actor, in my opinion, but that is only based on this one viewing experience. Teresa Palmer as love interest Becky reminds me of Brit Robertson but without the sparkle or the talent – and she doesn’t really carry the role well and lacks the charm required for this. Alfred Molina leads the supporting cast as Hovarth, and he portrays the villainy of his character with wriggling eyebrows and a muhahaha style of acting.

To finish off this gross atrocity of a film, the CGI is painful to behold. I can  really enjoy cheese and bad CGI if done well, but I was convinced again that I could do better in ten minutes armed with a CGI for Dummies book.

This movie was silly and stupid and lacked charm or character, both of which could have saved it significantly. It still has Cage in, so at least a bit of fun was had!

Movie Review: Kick Ass (2010)


Plot: Dave Lizewski is an unnoticed high school student and comic book fan who one day decides to become a super-hero, even though he has no powers, training or meaningful reason to do so

Rating: 8.5/10

This.Movie. Like really. I absolutely friggin loved it. It is so much hilarity from start to finish. It blatantly teases the whole world’s obsession with superheroes but it isn’t a spoof movie – those are really shitty and generally suck. I absolutely love Aaron Taylor in here; I loved Chloe Grace Moretz in here, Evan Peters does such an adorable nerd vibe and I loved him too. Nicholas Cage is an absolute scream and that costume. OMG. I loved it. It is hilarious and cringe worthy and non-stop “action”. Dave Lizewski’s suit is the most cringe worthy superhero outfit I’ve ever seen. Red Mist… I can only say what the fuck? The hair, the lisp, the erm… attitude. Yeah, the whole package just had me rolling around laughing my ass off. The swearing got a little intense, especially for Hit-Girl, but it was still hilarious and worked because it didn’t feel so forced. I loved Hit-Girl’s power and how Kick-Ass looked like such a wimp next to her… yay to girl power! It’s great to have little girls see that they can save the day, not just be a princess that needs saving.

Kick ass big daddy

Kick Ass clearly pokes  funat superhero movies but it is done in such an enjoyable fashion that it is hard to take offence for one of my favourite genres. It’s a coming of age film mixed with superheroes and action and is gut busting all the way through. Mark Strong makes such a cool villain and he entertained me as Red Mist’s shady father.

kick ass little girl

Chloe Grace Moretz was such a damn cute kid. It is strange to think that she was so young only five years ago – what is she now, 20? Anyway, I think she was a great actress in here and I really dislike kids as main characters most of the time. Her interaction with Cage and Taylor was great and she managed to look badass and cute at the same time – a formidable feat!


I am so happy I watched this movie. It is now one of my favourite superhero films and I will definitely see it again. Have you seen it? What did you think?

Marvelous Mondays: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance by the IPC


Heloooo, readers of my blog. It’s Monday again, and to save you from drowning in endless amounts of coffee, here is an excellent post by my favorite IPC, Pappy Eric. Go look on his blog especially now, he is busy hosting is Shitfest, and if you haven’t really explored the exasperation with bad movies, it will brighten up your Monday even more. Enjoy!


Natasha and I have met twice in our lives, once when I got my inoculations and travelled across the world to see her and she was too busy looking at glossy pictures of Chris Hemsworth to see me and just a few weeks ago when she stormed into my office and slapped me across the head. When her people contacted me about doing a third Marvel installment, I agreed based on how much I like Dear Kidney but we had to meet on my terms, in a crowded place, where there would be witnesses in the event of another attack. Her people agreed and we met at a neutral site, beneath the London Eye, and each of us were patted down for hidden weapons.


I’m not really sure WHY I was the only strip searched but I was – it was kind of embarrassing – my bare ass exposed to all of those English people – but – eventually I was cleared and we stepped into one of those cabs and started our trip on the Ferris Wheel. To this day I’m still not sure why I HAD to ride naked but…. There we were…. As our first course was served:


As we dined, I pulled out my – DON’T BE FILTHY!!! – my portfolio and spread my – PERVERTS!!!!!! – my paperwork across the table so she could explore my – SMUT!!! FILTH!!!! – thoughts on the subject. Soon we were engaging in some serious back and forth – PERV!! SMUT!!! – regarding the film until we got to the climax – OF OUR MEAL!!!!!!!! When we enjoyed some cigarettes.

NGR1 (1)

Notable takeaways from this event include: why in the fuck did they make this movie and why was Cage so excited about?????

NGR2 (1)

Why in the fuck was Idris Elba in this thing??????

NGR3 (1)

Ciaran Hinds???? SERIOUSLY?????


What the fuck was this?????

NGR5 (1)

Really??? REALLY????? Christopher Lambert what has your life become???


And for real………… they wrote a script that showcased the Ghost Rider pissing flames??


As well – who pisses like that????? Again:


I guess it’s true that I’ve never really watched another man piss but for me it kind of goes like this:


Seriously, this movie was totally stupid and totally French. French actors playing Greeks, French actors playing gangsters, French actors playing monks. Some French woman gets pregnant by the devil and has his French kid. The devil wants to put his devil soul into the body of the French Boy. Will the Ghost Rider save the day?? Take a guess. This movie was much better when it was called UNMADE. BLECH.

Anyway, after we wrapped that up and I put my clothes back on, I headed back home to The States where it’s so cold that if you peed outside your weenie would freeze and all I could think about was the beach.


I slept very well that night after thinking about the beach for a good minute and the next day, when I got to work I told my secretary about my successful events in London and she was so happy she couldn’t help but to break out in our Office Success Dance right there in the lobby…..


THANKS KIDNEY for letting me do all of these!! I’m sad to know Marvelous Mondays are going to end soon : ( : ( This has been good fun!!!


Marvelous Mondays: Ghost Rider by the IPC


Happy Monday, beauties!

For today’s MM post we have my favorite Pappy reviewing Ghost Rider for us!! Thank you for taking the time to do this Pappy! I especially love the art drawing!!


The other day I was sitting in my office, minding my own business, contemplating the season and all of that shit when Natasha busted into my room like she owned the place, stood on my guest chair and slapped me on the head. “Work harder!! Work faster!!” she screamed and ran out of the room, slamming the door. Puzzled and confused,  I gave some thought to the abuse I had just taken and remembered that I owed her a piece on the terrible movie GHOST RIDER that I volunteered for.

The first thing that comes to mind about this piece of shit is that it holds the label of “the only movie I have ever watched on a pirate website” back in 2007. My friend had just moved back to town and we would spend many weekend nights smoking weed and drinking tequila and watching shitty movies. One night he came over and had a login to some site I can’t remember and we watched this on the computer. It was absolutely miserable footage from the movie theater. People were eating and slurping drinks and people kept getting up and walking through the rows… it was totally stupid and I never felt like trying it again.

Anyway, I got this on DVD from Netflix a week or so ago and gave it a watch and it was still terrible and stupid and shitty and I totally hated it. The second thing that comes to mind about this putrescence is “what the fuck is Peter Fonda doing in this shit”?????


The third thing I think of is “what the fuck is Eva Mendes doing in this shit??” I don’t even think she knows….


The fourth thing about this is “what the fuck is this fucking shit?????”


Nic Cage plays a motorcycle stunt driver who sold his soul to the devil when he was a kid to save his dad’s life (who dies the next day). Some odd years later the devil comes back and makes him go look for Wes Bentley. Along the way he destroys water and dirt and there’s a cowboy Ghost Rider and Rebel Wilson is in it and he gives the cops the finger and I’m surprised he didn’t take down his pants and moon everyone. In fact, how about this graphic?


HAHAHAHA That drawing will make you millions, Kidney!!!

Back to the movie – HMMMMMM this movie sucked it. I think this best sums it up:


Anyway – I can’t really think of any good reason to recommend this movie unless you’re a HUGE Cage fan – he hams it up pretty good. In any case, YAY!! I got my assignment done!!! WOO HOOO!!! Look how happy my secretary is!!!


Thanks Kidney!!!