Just what is this Macho Movie doing on my blog?! The Expendables III (2014)

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Plot: Barney augments his team with new blood for a personal battle: to take down Conrad Stonebanks, the Expendables co-founder and notorious arms trader who is hell bent on wiping out Barney and every single one of his associates.

Rating: 5.5/10

So, I made it to the final one. Watching the Expendables has been consistent – consistently bad. The second one was the best because it had so much cheesy in it. I actually really enjoyed Expendables 2. It was hilariously cheesy and I can watch that again.

E3 has a bigger cast and bigger explosions but not a bigger heart. The younger cast wasn’t implemented correctly and it is a really bad day when Kellan Lutz has to be mentioned as the best performance of new cast members. He was actually much better than I expected.

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Harrison Ford replaces Bruce Willis as the intelligence agent. He looks so painfully old. It makes me uncomfortable to face this stark reminder that even the greatest action stars aren’t immune against time.

The biggest thing in this movie was the music score. Why did they suddenly choose rap music? WHAT?

Then there are Sylvester’s outfits when he runs around with Kelsey Grammar playing rent a sniper. He just looked like a pimp. What?

That girl. Really, what was the idea? Her acting was so bad I couldn’t celebrate the existence of a female Expendable.

Antonio Banderas as the village idiot: WHAT? So bad and so annoying.

Just, WHAT?

Just What is this Macho Movie doing on my Blog?! The Expendables II (2012)

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Plot: Mr. Church reunites the Expendables for what should be an easy paycheck, but when one of their men is murdered on the job, their quest for revenge puts them deep in enemy territory and up against an unexpected threat.

Rating: 6.5/10

The Expendables 2 is this little gift of hilarity that fell straight down from heaven. It is ten times better than the first one.

I really do like Sylvester Stallone. He seems to be a really hardworking and mostly nice guy, he’s been married for a very long time to one lady and he is a living legend who likes to do his stunts on his own (that explains the painful running scenes). I think it’s quite cool that he did a project like this – these old action figures are legends that deserve the same amount of respect and admiration as old rockstars do. It’s a bit creepy, but I really enjoy looking at Sly, especially with that hat on. I think I should go see a psychologist about it though – he’s OLD.

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The Expendables 2 gifts us with seeing Stallone, Willis, Arnie, Van Damme AND Chuck Norris all in one film. I mean, these are the gods of Action. It is also the movie where artificial faces make its case study to be accepted into society – Stallone loses the competition where Arnie and Van Damme were his opponents for extremely odd looks. Van Damme has the weirdest eyes possibly ever and is truly quite terrifying. He seems as hard as nails and that he won’t even feel bad after kicking your ass.

Barney Ross: I've heard another rumor, that you were bitten by a king cobra? Booker: Yeah, I was. But after five days of agonizing pain, the cobra died.
Barney Ross: I’ve heard another rumor, that you were bitten by a king cobra?
Booker: Yeah, I was. But after five days of agonizing pain, the cobra died.

We get us some Chuck Norris, complete with sound track and all. I could eventually not stop giggling when he came on screen, he is too much for me to handle. He enters in his signature way, always saving the day and being totally cool about it.

Where the first Expendables failed, the second film improved. The humour in E2 lets you know they are aware they are being cheesy but they are enjoying themselves while doing it. The humour is once again on an astronomical level and the dialogue makes you once again wonder how many retakes there were because the cast could not stop laughing, but this time around the actors are in on your joke and they are playing along. I heard referencing to the Terminator way too many times, and Chuck’s jokes wereso.friggin.lame.

The action sequences are still as unbelievable as it gets but they are slightly shorter and better executed and that makes it all a better use of your time. I am amused rather than sickened by the killing spree – I don’t think most deaths are quite so theatrical as they would like you to believe.

The memo the feminism squad sent out regarding the blatant sexism in E1 reached the right ears: not only are the women less stereotypical in E2 they also get decent parts with actual dialogue and a purpose. I enjoyed Maggie’s presence and how she actually contributed towards the team’s success, although they might want to look into not immediately having the only female ogled by the entire squad. I also enjoyed the females protecting their town, although I did not appreciate the joking that women can’t shoot.

I don’t know what happened to Mickey Rourke this time around (he was basically the only good thing about the first movie), but they offset the loss by adding someone who is also trained in the art of acting – Liam Hemsworth. I think he has enormous potential that hasn’t been brought to light yet by Hollywood. He and Statham are by far the youngest of the team and Hemsworth has the best acting on the screen – the only actor who gets close enough is Bruce Willis, who really is the coolest guy on the earth. I liked Hemsworth’s role – he is from the recent generation of soldiers who have very fresh scars, and he realises that he needs a healthier lifestyle. He seems respectful and sad – really like I imagine the majority of soldiers. His death is an actual blow and the only real emotional thing in the film, and old Sly’s speech was quite nice at the gravesite.

The Expendables 2 is by far the best of the franchise so far, and while I can’t begin to claim that it was actually good, I giggled so much I need to give it points for the feel good factor it was responsible for.

Just what is this Macho Movie doing on my blog?! The Expendables (2010)

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Plot: A CIA operative hires a team of mercenaries to eliminate a Latin dictator and a renegade CIA agent.

Rating: 5/10

Hmm, I love me a good action movie. Strong fearless men overcoming impossible odds? Bring the popcorn. I’ve wanted to get around to The Expendables for ages now I know quite a number of people (guys) who are embarrassingly in love with the franchise, and since I enjoy a good action movie, I thought: hey, why not?

I think I would have enjoyed The Expendables more if it HAD been a good action movie. The dialogue is cringe worthy and I have no idea how the cast managed to act their roles out without bursting into laughter. Lead characters Jason Statham (I don’t get the fuss about him being good-looking… NO) and Stallone (Whose symmetrical features I found way too attractive #yuck #old #itsStallone) attempt to portray a strong bromance relationship that falls flat because the dialogue is so bad. It appears that they wanted Statham to appear like he was more in touch with his feelings than the rest of the cast but that too didn’t even get a few seconds of proper directing or time.

Stallone… sheesh. I was a bit disgusted that I thought for a few seconds he’s attractive – the guy was about four hundred years old at the time this film was shot and that is very deep into the grandpa territory for me. It was really painful to see him run. It looks excruciating and as if he couldn’t get quite into his whole sprinting sequence.

The story itself is so out of control silly. The mercenaries infiltrate small country Vilena to save them from the brutal rule of ex-CIA officer James Munroe (Eric Roberts), a one dimensional villain with no real development or cause. The main attraction on Vilena seems to be the money involved and the pretty lady Sandra (Giselle Itlie), which is probably a fine reason to head over to a terrorist infested country if you are a mercenary. The plan and reason for the attack is never really made clear except for the five seconds Bruce Willis appears on screen pretending to be scary and who is quickly joined and departed by Arnie who then also backs out because he is too busy being cool or being governor to spend more time on this crap.

The CGI… the most I can really say is that the tomato sauce bursting from people looked WAY authentic. Seriously, what was up with that and the ridiculous fight sequences? I think if I went and brought a CGI for Dummies book and sat and studied it for an hour I would have done a better job than this.

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The only interesting about this film was Mickey Rourke. The man has a commanding presence on screen and focusing on him is quite easy because his acting is good, what he says seems interesting and he looks so intense and badass.

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Then there are the three ladies that appear on screen that had me off my rocker with irritation: The first one is the typical cheating female, who then later appears with a black eye and Jason Statham gallantly loses his shit and beats up abusive co-cheater and his merry band of friends. Sheesh, Jason, SUCH a gentleman hey?! Then, Mickey Rourke brings in his typical hooker lady, all enthusiastic about being on Mickey’s lap. Hey, Mickey is allowed to have a hooker on his lap if he wants one, but all the same, distasteful and unoriginal. The last lady to appear on screen is Sandra, who manages to be hot while looking pure and intense and everything men of Stallone’s caliber could ever want. Nice going there, Expendables: feeding your largely testosterone driven crowd more stereotypes for consumption about females.

The Expendables is truly what it advertises: a testosterone fest without a plot or a second of originality. It is rushed and underdeveloped and I even though I’m happy that it ended under two hours it needed either more time for the plot to actually appear on screen or less ass kicking and more explanation why asses were being kicked. Not my thing at all, although perhaps I simply do not have the sufficient level of testosterone to handle this!